i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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