Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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