Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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