Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
