I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
