That's when you crack a 10am beer
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
