"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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