How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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