he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
