you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm having to shit out rocks
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
