The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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