there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
