erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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