The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
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These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
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That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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