i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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