It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
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