Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
