Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
