we have pet lesbian snakes
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
