Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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