Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
