Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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