If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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