i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
