I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize