we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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