Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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