Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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