Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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