I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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