Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Found the puke drawer
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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