in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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