the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
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apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
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It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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