hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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