I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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