i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
