I think im going to throw up on grandma
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
