You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
