We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
