I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
