haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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