I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
