tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
