he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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