the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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