Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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