we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
