4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
