Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
