If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I need to align my fucking chakras
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