ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
