it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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