Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
