Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
