apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
