words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just invented taco cereal.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
