Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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