she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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