I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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