i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I deserve this hangover.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Come on in and take your pants off
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